During IVF this time around, I’ve been listening to a guided meditation and relaxation program called Circle + Bloom. The company makes several different programs like it for people trying to conceive or undergoing fertility treatments. I hope it ultimately makes a difference, but it’s something I’ll never be able to truly measure. What I can measure, though, is my relaxation and enjoyment of the sessions…and that has been much higher this time around.
The sessions last between 15 and 20 minutes. I listen to them before I go to bed. On the nights when I listen to them, I feel more relaxed and whole. (If that makes any sense…) Sometimes I get distracted and the session isn’t quite as useful. Other times I feel like I’ve just had a great spa treatment.
One of the common themes I have noticed in these sessions is the focus on forgiving your body. It seemed rather silly at first. ”Hello, body…I forgive you.” In one of the more recent sessions, I was instructed to basically hug it out with my body. I did it, feeling somewhat foolish, but somewhat comforted. Until then I had no idea how much resentment I was harboring against this vessel that carries my mind.
Resentment for not being able to get pregnant the old fashioned way.
Resentment for not being able to sustain a pregnancy.
Resentment for having to run to the bathroom too often.
Resentment for chronic illnesses that give me aches, pains and worse.
Chronic Illness Cat speaks the truth.
Resentment for perpetually having the wrong levels of brain chemicals that causes my depression and anxiety.
Resentment for being clumsy as hell and having feet and knees that are constantly getting injured.
Resentment for not being able to easily have blood drawn without being poked in several different places. (Except for the Red Cross nurses….they are master’s of this domain.)
My hand yesterday...one of three places I was punctured to draw blood.
Soon it became very clear: I’ve been harboring a lot of fucking resentment. I can’t blame myself. My body does often feel like it marches to the beat of a different drummer…on a different planet…in a different solar system…in another galaxy that is far, far away.
This did make me realize, though, how much resentment I’ve been holding against my body for making these past two years so difficult when trying to get and stay pregnant. Part of it is due to the fact that I have little control over much of what it does and I have even less knowledge of why I miscarried the twins. This resentment mixed with regret and an unwilling ignorance of the truth really has taken a toll on my mind and, likely, my body itself.
I am bad at forgiving certain things. I know this about myself. But the one thing I didn’t realize is how much resentment I was harboring for my own body and how much forgiveness would help me move forward. Yes, it’s silly to give yourself a hug, but dammit it’s also silly to spend two years getting progressively more pissed at a body that is doing its best. It would be just as futile to get pissed at the wind or the rain, except then the focus of my anger would be less damaged than it is now.
So I hugged it out and I continue to do so. I’ve still been poked and prodded more in the past week than I can ever recall because my ovaries like to hide and my veins move once I’m poked with the needle. I haven’t completely found forgiveness, but at least I recognize how ridiculous my resentment truly is…and how damaging it is to my entire being.
Forgiveness is hard. Self forgiveness is harder. But moving past resentment and being happy for those amazing traits I do carry with me? That will likely take the rest of my life to accomplish.
But I’ll keep trying until I get there.
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