All That Hopey Changey Stuff

by kim on April 28, 2010 · 15 comments

in C'est la vie, TTC

**God only knows how much strength it took me to use a Sarah Palin quote for the title of this blog.  Let’s just say if it didn’t fit so damn well, I wouldn’t have used it.**


Last night I was in my backyard with Rocky the Dog and Mom, as she was visiting for the evening.  We were talking about lots of things, but mostly about the babay situation.  The Mister and I just hit another roadblock on our path to conceive a child.  Due to physiological things beyond our control, it turns out the chances of conceiving a child the good-ol-fashioned-have-fun-while-trying-and-such way are slim to none.  And slim, as slim usually does, has left town without providing so much as a forwarding address. Thus, we’ll have to go through a process called IUI or intra-uterine insemination.  If that doesn’t work, our only choice is IVF or in vitro fertilization.  Both are costly, both require immense patience.

I found all of this out on Monday afternoon at my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist.  And from the minute I left the building (I managed to keep it together while I was there) until now, all I can feel about it is utterly disappointed.  Disappointed that things can’t just happen naturally.  Disappointed that we can’t just give it a college try.  Disappointed that I know now that this road is going to be rougher than I even imagined–and I imagined it being pretty rough.

The Mister took it pretty well.  The tenor of his response was that we’d do what we need to do and go from there.  I guess he didn’t get the memo that I wanted to sulk about it for awhile.

But then again, I guess no one but me got that memo, because last night in the backyard, Mom, despite having a tough time getting through to me with her encouraging words about hope and perseverance,  kept trying to get me to look on the proverbial bright side.  I know it’s hard to sulk with someone, but that’s what I wanted.  I wanted to dwell on it.  I wanted to think it through.  I wanted to just be blue about it until I got over it.  That’s how I roll.  I roll hard and fast and sometimes just need to sulk through it until I get to the other side.  I need to have days when I see new families walking through a Logan’s Roadhouse waiting area and want to slap the diaper bag out of their hands and run away with an evil laugh trailing behind me.

I just need that.

But then she pointed it out.  The lilac bush.  The one I wrote about last year blooming into life and reminding me of my beloved Nana.  The one that gave me hope.  The one that gave me the power to believe that my circumstances were bound to change.

That damn bush was already blooming.

And in that moment, I knew that all the hopey changey stuff in the world was probably a good thing, not just an annoyance to destroy my otherwise good plans of sulking for days on end.  I knew that even though this road is going to be lengthy and devastatingly painful, I’ll come out on the other side.  I did it before.  I can do it again.

That damn bush reminds me of so many things.  But in the whispers of the evening breeze, just before drifting off to sleep, that bush reminds me that there’s infinite room for change in life.  There are infinite possibilities that lead to new life circumstances.

There is, despite my better attempts at sulking, hope that leads to change.

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

verybadcat April 28, 2010 at 2:22 pm

you can do both. you can sulk about your news, but also be hopeful that your alternatives are fruitful. i am both today. sulking because flyguy and i had a falling out, but hopeful that i will hear from him and we can get back on track. i so love lilacs. i wish i had a bush in my yard. i bought one, but the wasbund never decided where it should go, so it died. so ironic…

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supercareo April 28, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Oh, Kim. My heart hurts for your troubles … and I am sending loving, reproductive vibes to your uterus. Hopefully Slim will make it back into town before any drastic measures need to be taken.

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Anna Walker April 28, 2010 at 4:44 pm

I kinda wish I could send you my uterus, since it probably works just fine and I don't really intend to use it. However, it would be painful to remove and pretty gross to send in the mail, and I don't have your address, and it would probably have to be on dry ice, and we might not even be compatible genetically so it might get rejected. Other than that, it'd be a piece of cake.

Seriously though, I hope things work better soon. And I think you're fully justified in wallowing a little bit.

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Courtney April 28, 2010 at 5:07 pm

I am the sulking type, too. I need to get it out of my system to get over it. I LIKE sulking.

I'm so sorry about your TTC issues. It's just awful that you decide to make the jump, and nature has to make things difficult for you. You guys will get through this and be in my thoughts!

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Lollygagger April 28, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Glad to hear you looking up and keeping that hope alive.

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Her April 28, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Sulking is perfectly okay, as long as you're willing to forgive others for not. After the first miscarriage, I was so frustrated with my husband for not remembering the little anniversaries, but then it hit me that it was probably the only way he was coping. After a good talk and a co-sulk, we moved on a lot faster.

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Libby April 28, 2010 at 6:22 pm

It's good to try and focus on the hopey changey stuff. but also let yourself have the feelings you are feeling. This is not an easy situation, and you have a right to your whole range of emotions.

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cari April 28, 2010 at 8:57 pm

i'm sorry to hear that things are going to be tougher than you though. but, trials produce character and i think that's something that we all can use a big ol' dose of sometimes.

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E. Caswell April 28, 2010 at 9:03 pm

I'm sorry about your news. Ya know, the way I've dealt w/ infertility things have been a combo of sulking (oh they days I've spent in bed or walk around meijer crying, and don't even ask what happens when I see a pregnant teen) and trying to be positive. I think a mixture of both is purely human. I think the experience is totally different for the husbands than for those of us women w/ PCOS, etc, etc. I have to constantly remind myself to cut him some slack. Anyway, you're in my thoughts! Good luck. Lord knows we both need it.

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Lydia April 29, 2010 at 12:05 am

Ah, this is one of your most beautiful posts. That dear lilac bush, and those messages from your Nana and mom, were what you needed. Maybe not just what you needed, because I tend to agree with you that you were due some bona fide sulking, but what a strong message. I'm really sorry that you hit the roadblock you did, but I'm glad you are healthy enough to try the next step.

A song by Mary Chapin Carpenter comes to mind. You probably never heard of it because it goes back to 1992 or so….. The Hard Way.

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Nora_L April 29, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Will think nothing but good thoughts for you both; not sure if you read her, but Erin from stateiamin.com went through a lot of what you're going through so perhaps she'll be there to listen and provide guidance on a more personal, one-to-one basis?

I can't imagine how you must feel right now, so I say sulk all you want, stare at the lilac bush and hopefully you'll find the resolve and strength to move forward. Fingers crossed for you guys that the IUI works and IVF won't be necessary!

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doahleigh April 29, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Sad face. It's sad that so many people struggle with conception, especially when they'd be such great parents.

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MinD April 29, 2010 at 10:14 pm

Hope, faith and ole' fashioned good luck are some things to hold on to now. And you aren't alone in this struggle whatsoever. Maybe not all of your readers understand or have been there, but we're here hoping alongside you, praying for the absolute best and keeping our fingers crossed that things work out. Move forward and we'll be here the whole way. Not there, in the bed though. That'd be creepy. Just behind our computers. Lol.

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Jessica Eiden Smedley April 30, 2010 at 11:16 am

I'm sorry things are going to be difficult for you and the Mister; glad you have so much familial support.

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KAM April 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I have been through IUI a couple of times and have a chubby tot to show for it. You are right that it was frustrating and I was definitely disappointed to not be able to do things the “natural way” but the outcome was still the same. It gets better – hang in there.

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