Open Letters Friday, Volume XLXIII

Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?


Dear Michigan Republicans:

I know you think you’re going to get away with this in both the short-term and long-term.  You think you can just strip funding from Michigan’s education system and somehow simultaneously expect schools to perform better.  That’s like expecting someone to tap dance and stealing their damn tap shoes.  Thanks for putting the future of this state in serious jeopardy.

But that’s not all.  Yesterday, you slipped this gem in:

Added to the education bill was a provision that would penalize universities an additional 5% of their state aid if they allow health benefits for employees and a domestic partner or other adult who is not a spouse in the household.

The penalty was proposed by Rep. David Agema, R-Grandville, who said universities that currently allow benefits for same-sex partners or unmarried opposite-sex partners go against the state constitution and promote immoral behavior. Agema said the penalty on universities could add $60 million for K-12 schools. It’s not known if Snyder or the Senate support the provision.

This bothers me for many reasons.  First and foremost, it’s yet another attack on the few rights enjoyed by LGBTQ folk.  Secondly, the funding of these benefits is something that was COLLECTIVELY BARGAINED.  Way to shout it out loud that you still hate unions.

Your reckoning will come.  Trust me.  The voters of this state get mad at things like this.  And I’m here to make sure they actually hear about it.  So why don’t you take your Newt Gingrich commemorative jackass mug home and leave policy to people who actually understand it?

Never truly yours,

An Angry Voter With a Voice


Dear Readers:

It’s International No Diet Day.  It’s a good day to remember that diets don’t work and actually physically and mentally harm us.  This multi-billion dollar industry doesn’t want you to get thin (as if that were even possible) because then they’d lose you as a customer.  Just think about it:

INDD is more about not depriving yourself for a 24-hour period. It beckons you to make peace with your body and your relationship with food. And not only for your mental health. Various studies show that yo-yo dieting has been found to be damaging to one’s physical health in conditions such as congestive heart failure, hypertension, and clogged arteries.[1] What’s more is that investigators have evidence that illustrate a significant correlation between thinness and shorter lives.[2]

All you have to do to participate is take the following pledge:

  • That I will not diet for one day, on May 6, International No Diet Day.
  • Instead of trying to change my body to fit someone else’s standards, I will accept myself just as I am.
  • I will feed myself if I’m hungry.
  • I will feel no shame or guilt about my size or about eating.
  • I will think about whether dieting has improved my health and well-being or not.
  • And I will try to do at least one thing I have been putting off “until I lose weight.”

Think about it.  Please.


Someone Drinking Regular Coke for the Day


Dear Allergies:

Go away.  You have bothered me my whole life and have caused me to miss fun and exciting and important things.  You ruined my mother’s last attempt at a family portrait.  You make The Mister wheeze.  And now you’ve decided to attack my Brooklyn as well.

Well, let me tell you something, allergies:  I’m coming for you.  I’m going to find you where you work, where you live, where you eat.  I’m going to hunt down your kids at school.  I’m going to stalk you at work.  I’m going to make your life a living hell.

Maybe then you’ll understand what you’ve done to my life.

With a warning shot across the bow,

One Allergy Sufferer


Dear World:

Whatever happened to the following people:

  • Edwin McCain?
  • Edie Brickell?
  • SWV?
  • Charice?
  • Mo Rocca?

Please start drafting a report.  Also, expect more now that I’m thinking about it.


A Curious Media Consumer


Dear Stars of Hardcore Pawn:

Here’s the thing, your show is interesting.  I’ll grant you that.  But it’s partially interesting because you people are so annoying.  Les, you need to lay off the tanning booth specials because your skin looks like a leather wallet at the end of its useful life.  Not only that, but you treat your daughter like shit while you simultaneously exalt your son.  Sexist much?  Seth, you are a complete prick who clearly has never had to go an hour without getting something he wants.  It’s no surprise to me that you call yourself a “U of M guy.”  Oh, and 1996 called and they want their shirts and hairstyle back.  Ashley, I’ll defend your honor to the end, but you’ve got to help.  You can be so judgmental and whiny at times.  You don’t deserve all of the shit you take, but you need to change so you don’t deserve any of it.

Also, to all of you:  your store isn’t “in the heart of Detroit’s 8 Mile.”  It’s on Greenfield near 8 Mile.  While I get how semantics play into this (you never said “on”), stop trying to get publicity from a years old Eminem movie.


The Person That Will Still Be Watching Despite All of This Crap

P.S. Rich, you kiss way too much ass and need to knock it off.  I’m coming after you next.


Dear Jesse James:

I thought I told your ass to go away several times in these letters.  Yet you keep coming back.  Now you’re saying Kat Von D is way better in bed than Sandra Bullock ever was.  That’s freaking classy.  On your way out, why don’t you grab a tuxedo t-shirt and a Pabst Blue Ribbon.  It’ll help you fit right in at the trailer park you’re about to inhabit.

Also, Sandra Bullock doesn’t need to be good in bed (though I’m sure she’s fucking spectacular).  She’s an amazing person.  That’s something you’ll never understand.

With distaste as always,

Team Sandy


Now it’s your turn!  Get things off your chest.And you can check out other Open Letters Fridays here.

4 comments for “Open Letters Friday, Volume XLXIII

  1. May 6, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Dear Kim,
    My nose will not leave me alone. You have my empathy.

  2. May 6, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    as for your MIA report:

    edwin mccain is still touring, and occasionally appearing on VH1 list shows. he’s putting out a new album in august.
    mo rocca is doing shows on the cooking channel. yeah, i don’t get it either. and his hair is nearly completely gray, which makes me feel OLD.

    and can i just say how over it i am at how perennially tacky this culture is? the entirety of south beach is like that. ew.

  3. your mom
    May 7, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    um….Charice was on Glee 2 weeks ago. She hasn’t gone anywhere.

  4. Lisa
    May 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Mo Rocca is also on CBS Sunday Morning and a panelist on NPR’s Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.

    Edie Brickell is married to Paul Simon and presumably being a hippie.

Don't just sit there...say something.

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