How To Drop $102 in One Hour Without Even Trying

This may not sound like a big deal, but  it is. The Mister and I have our finances situated so that we each take a certain portion for ourselves and then dump the rest into a communal pot.  The part we take for ourselves is rather small, so I try to make it last.  But since finding that I had more in my personal savings than I thought (and needing it for a few various things), I’ve had a bit more to spend than normal.

But yesterday I wasn’t out to spend at all.

Step One: SET YOURSELF UP FOR DISTRESS 

I met Ms. MEPS for breakfast.  It was wonderful, as always, to see her.  But I drank like fifty cups of coffee while we were there.  I should have used the restroom before we left the restaurant, but I’m not smart like that.  I thought I knew better and just paid the bill, got in the car and left.  I was meeting my Stiggy’s colleagues nearby in an hour and a half.  I thought it’d be fine.

I was wrong.

Step Two:  COMMIT TO A SECOND LOCATION

Now, I have two different chronic conditions that cause me to have the sudden urge to have to go to the bathroom (of both number 1 and 2 varieties) without much warning, so I have adapted to my surroundings.  I know which retail and food locations have bathrooms and which ones are likely to be unoccupied and such.  But this was a Sunday morning, so not everything was open.  I decided on the nearby TJ Maxx as they would be open and less likely to be crazy busy.

Step Three: GET IN A STATE OF BLISS

So I get to TJ Maxx and search for the bathroom I know is there.  It’s a revamped TJ Maxx so I start worrying that perhaps a bathroom is not in my future  But sure enough, I find it.  And as any person knows, finally peeing after holding it is pretty much one of life’s greatest joys.  My serotonin levels jump and I wash my hands and exit the bathroom.

Step Four:  LIVE THROUGH THE GLEE

The bathroom happens to be located by the shoes.  So I start looking near my size.  Since I have giant feet for a woman, shoes are difficult to find.  But imagine my surprise when I find deeply discounted lined Crocs for around the house. (Shut up Mr. CVD…Crocs are fine for around the house…and trips to Seven Eleven…and the yard….JUST SHUT UP!)  Between the comfort of the urinary release and the pure joy of the shoe find, I get cocky.

Step Five:  PRESS YOUR LUCK

So I start looking for a yellow vase.  I’m looking for a bright yellow vase for my living room.  I’ve decided to add a few pops of color as I’m getting tired of the schematics as they stand.  But I’m too lazy to repaint (nor do I have the time or money) and I don’t hate the wall color.  I just need a change.  So I figure that I’m at a discount retailer, I might as well look.

Step Six:  DON’T GET A CART

The Rules of the Universe dictate that whenever you don’t get a cart, you will be doomed to picking up several items.  This is why I almost always get a cart at Target.  If I get a cart, I end up at the checkout with a tube of toothpaste and a pair of socks.  If I don’t get a cart, I find a way to carry twelve clearance bath towels, two bags of cat treats, a gallon of bleach, four bottles of shampoo, a candle, seven picture frames and three shirts all the way to the front…in my hands.  So the fact that I went to the bathroom without a cart  means I left without a cart.  And since I walked into the store without a cart, I was doomed to buy at least five items.

Step Seven: REALIZE YOU NEED ALL THE THINGS.

I am too lazy to bring in my used coffee cups from the car.  This means by Thursday, we have a severe drought of usable travel coffee mugs.  Sure, I could get them out of my car and wash them, but the better suggestion (in the Mind of Kim (TM)) is to buy MORE travel coffee mugs.  And for $4, that blue one looked perfect.  Then I walked down the pet aisle.  I had just talked about buying a small cat bed for on top of one of the bookshelves.  And there was one for $9.99.  And let us not forget the clothing section.  On clearance was a sheer white sweater that was perfect for spring and summer.  Even though it was a size too small I tried it on…and of course it fit.  Then I got in line to pay and realized there were these gorgeous picture frames that I JUST NEEDED to complete some projects I’m working on lately.  And since I’m always looking for bags to carry things, those reusable shopping bags for $.99 are well worth it.   The end total? $70.

Step Eight:  COMMIT TO A THIRD LOCATION

Good God, Lemon.

I left with just enough time to have half an hour before I was supposed to meet my people.  Since the hunt for the yellow vase was on, when I saw a Tuesday Morning nearby, I went right there.  Of course, the bastards weren’t open yet.  So I went to the health food store next door instead and committed the sin of not getting a cart yet again.  And while walking through the aisles of supplements and dodging well-meaning employees asking if I needed assistance, I remembered that I had been looking for a certain supplement.  By that time, though, I already found something else I was looking for three years ago and never found.  Of course, health food stores aren’t cheap.  I purchased the two items as I was running out of time and dropped $32 in the process.

Step Nine: STAND BACK AND APPRECIATE YOUR SHOPPING SKILLS

When I got home and finally took the stuff out of my car (along with seven travel coffee cups), I was actually quite proud.  Shoes, coffee cup, pet bed, three picture frames, a sweater and two reusable shopping bags for $70?  Not bad.  And the health food store stuff..well I just NEEDED that.  (I guess three years is the breaking point for looking for something.)  All in all, though, I made a good haul for that amount of money.  It was just money I hadn’t planned on spending.  But since I didn’t get a cart and committed to a second and third location, I was probably doomed from the start.  Maybe I subconsciously knew that and acted accordingly.

Or maybe, I just really had to go to the bathroom and it was all a series of fortunate and financially draining decisions.  We’ll never know.

And that, my friends, is how you blow $102 trying to go to the bathroom.

Tagged as: bathrooms, how to, shopping