A Perfectly Cursed 2008

This year has been a mystery from the start.  In the great win and loss column of life, I think this year would be a tie.  And I don’t know how I feel about that. This year has been bookended by crises and loss and more than anything I’m just exhausted from trying to keep up with my own life.

This past weekend I was able to spend some time with friends from college.  I’m so glad I got to see them as a matter of course, but more than that it just came at the right time for some heavy thinking.  In a time in my life where I’m so torn about what I want to do and where I want to be, going back for a night to the places I once knew a handful of years ago was like a rainstorm of emotions.  It wasn’t just the people, though I love them, it was the places and the feelings and the emotions.  All of it came to me when I was in the car alone and I couldn’t help but cry.

Five years ago, when I last regularly haunted these places, my life was much more of an open-ended journey.  But instead of cherishing the unknown, I dove headfirst into what seemed practical and logical.  It’s what I usually do, and it wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the most challenging choice to make.  Now I look back on that time and wonder why I didn’t allow myself to wander a bit.  Most people my age have a bit more indecision under their belts before they hit this point.  I saved it up for now.

In so many ways I’m glad I’ve taken the paths that I have.  The Mister is the obvious loss I would have most likely unknowingly sustained.  There are others–Ms. TC and Mr. RMB would not be in my life and therefore I’d be missing the many blessings they bring to me.  I have a job that many people would love.  I have a life with a home and pets and a husband.  And yet I find myself being unsteady on the feet that I’ve built this dream upon not because it isn’t nice, but because there’s so much else I want to do.  And doing these things that I want to do takes guts that I’m not sure I’ve mustered up yet.

For such a non-traditional thinker, my life has taken a very traditional path and I have so many things I either thought would ellude me or at least wouldn’t find me until later in life.  The thought of losing those things scares me and if I venture into the things I want to do more and more, the reality is that my life will change.

This past year has been hard by all acounts.  I’ve loved and lost.  I’ve struggled in my career and in my marriage.  I’ve struggled in my own skin.  I’ve learned to at least try and be more financially sound.  And in the end, what is amazing is that I still have struggles left to endure.

But I also have great things.  For better or worse, I have a husband who knows me better than almost anyone else in the world.  I have a home that, while it may be falling apart, is mine to cultivate.  I have an education and ever growing experience to use in the future.  I have a family that is crazy, but will go to the ends of the Earth for me.  I have friends who mean the world to me and for some strange reason seem to love me too.  I have furry children who never judge (well, maybe Spencer does sometimes) and always love.

More than that, I have the world ahead of me and all of the opportunities that it brings.  That has to count for something.

I don’t usually make new year’s resolutions, but I would like to make a promise to myself in 2009.  I promise myself that I’ll explore those things that I want to accomplish without fear of the end result or the casualties along the way.  For at least a moment each day, I’ll imagine what could be without cringing at what might be.  If I never take the plunge, at least I have those moments.  And if I do take the plunge, even better.

I’ll say goodbye to 2008 with no sadness at it’s passing, but only with gratefulness for the lessons its taught me and the emotions is stirred in me.  If I’m lucky, I’ll allow 2009 to bring me new challenges without standing in my own way. If I’m brave, I’ll create those challenges myself.

Time to drink up and forge ahead.