Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?
Dear Dog Referenced in this Story:
Thank you for peeing on Lea Michelle’s spray tan. Apparently, despite your lowered ability to see colors, you realized like the rest of us that this fake tan thing of hers was beyond ridiculous. I applaud you for your efforts.
See, Mr. CVD made me watch Glee for the first time in forever when I was in Chicago last month. The show’s inconsistency wasn’t as painful as watching Lea’s horrible spray tan move around the screen.
^ That is actually a decent picture of her with that tan. She looks beyond leathery, though. I don’t see why she needs a spray tan. Why do we all have to look like we just went to Montego Bay for a week? I guess you, dog, feel the same way.
Make sure someone gives you an extra treat today for me. You surely deserve it.
Someone Who Would Also Like to Whizz On Lea Michelle’s Spray Tan
Dear Owners of Hostess:
You can go straight to hell. It wasn’t an employee strike that broke your company. It was your poor business skills. The strike was a result of that and you planned to liquidate the company either way. But now you can blame the good ol’ American worker for wanting to be treated fairly. HOW DARE THEY!?!
Speaking of how dare they…Meanwhile, the rest of us, poised on the brink of the end of the Mayan calendar, are without Twinkies to last us an eternity with their yummy preserved goodness.
I hope you’re happy with yourselves. I’ll just make the assumption that you want the zombies to win.
I’m pretty sure this is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Someone Who Needs Her Hostess Products
Dear People that Love Christmas So Much They Want It To Start Now:
Hey, I’m fine with you loving a holiday. In fact, I’m all for it. Have a blast. Deck the halls and all that jazz.
But don’t expect me to be dragged into your tinsel-filled hell with you.
I don’t hate Christmas. I just miss when the Christmas season started at an appropriate time. Hearing non-stop Christmas music the day after the presidential election was a bit much. Two local stations are already all Christmas, all the time. That’s just insane.
And here’s what really grinds my gears about it: Christmas is nice and all, but if you’re a Christian, it shouldn’t even be your main holiday. It just got made that way by the retail industry. You ate it up and slopped up the gravy with a buttermilk biscuit. Just because you bought into all of the nonsense doesn’t mean I have to. At least not this early in the season. I shouldn’t walk into a woman’s clothing store on November 14 and have to listen to Christmas music the whole time. God help those women that work there.
So while I appreciate your love of the season, please stop pushing it on the rest of us. For the love of all that is holy and bright, please stop.
Someone Who Is Turning Into Scrooge
Dear Helen Milliken:
I was saddened to hear of your passing. You will be sorely missed.
For those of my readers who don’t know who you are, you were a wonderful woman, a shining light for women everywhere and the First Lady of Michigan for several years…married to one of the last great Republican men. Most importantly, you put country before party and worked tirelessly to get the Equal Rights Amendment passed…something that we still have yet to do. In fact, when your husband co-chaired the GOP convention in Michigan, you decided to protest out front in opposition to your party’s unwillingness to support the ERA. We need more women and men like you.
Heaven’s gain is our loss. Let’s just hope your memory inspires others.
A Fan From The Other Side of the Aisle, Same Side of the Heart