Open Letters Friday, Volume 113

Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?





Dear The Mister:

My being home from work cramps your style, I know.  You work from home and have a certain pattern of behavior.  I get it.

But don’t expect me to go get you every meal or make it.  Especially since when I did that yesterday a bird shit on my head.  A bird.  Shit. On. My. Head.


Now, I’ve been informed that this might be good luck.  All I know is that it’s gross as hell.  And since the next door neighbor keeps all kinds of bird seed out all year round, it’s like a damn aviary out there.  So it’s bound to happen again if I give it enough chances.

So, no…to answer your question, I am not going to get breakfast this morning.


Your Wife With Relatively Clean Hair


Dear People of my Current Suburb:

Are you in need of some serious education?  Towing people on sleds behind a truck sounds like fun and games but you had to realize that it was going to end in injury.  You’re lucky it didn’t end in death.


Honestly, let’s show some class.  I get that you were probably drunk when this happened, but that doesn’t excuse it.  It really makes it worse.  You couldn’t have thought that idea was good while sober, though.  You just couldn’t have.

Knock it off.


A Taxpayer Interested in Proper Use of the Police Force


Dear Republicans:

I’m done negotiating with you until you get hip to reality.  Blocking voting on Hurricane Sandy relief and the Violence Against Women Act on the last day of the 112th Congress and then starting off the 113th by offering yet another wasteful vote to repeal Obamacare that won’t pass…well, that’s just the definition of ignorant insanity.

Next time you want to tell me about how you’re the party of conservative compassion or how you care about the sanctity of human life, I’m going to have to stop you dead in your tracks.


It’s clear the only lives you care about are your political ones.  It’s fine and good to talk about the rights of fetuses (well, really it’s not, but for the sake o this argument it is) but when those fetuses become actualized people where is the GOP?  Too busy playing games to help anyone out.

No one likes you.  Go home.

Never Yours,

Someone Who Cares About People and Getting Shit Done


Dear VH1:

My recent stay-at-home status has allowed me to watch your station in the mornings when *gasp* you play actual music videos still.  It’s nice to see music videos on television.  You and your sister network, MTV, were born to do this job.  I wish you did it more often.

My concern is this, though:  why do we need to still bleep out Alanis singing “go down on you in a theatre” with all of the other lyrics you play on this station?

i mean seriously

Please tell me you just haven’t gotten around to fixing it.  Because if you feel the need to bleep that out and yet put all of those horrid reality shows on with their attendant mix of inappropriate commentary, then we need to have a talk.

And I ain’t got time for a talk.  So just cut the games.

Yours When You Play Music,

Someone Who is Not Going to Leave As Soon As You Close Your Eyes…and You Know It


Dear Medical Science:

It’s nice to see you finally admit that your statistics about the completely useless measurement of “Body Mass Index” is, well, completely useless and that “overweight” and “obese” persons can actually outlive and be healthier than their thin counterparts.


Now if we can just change the perception that we need to meet some unrealistic goals of weight and size as a society, that would be great.


A Healthy and Happy Fatty


Now it’s your turn!  Get things off your chest. And you can check out other Open Letters Fridays here.

And if you are interested in having your Open Letter featured on the next Open Letters Friday here at PCL, e-mail me

4 comments for “Open Letters Friday, Volume 113

  1. Megg
    January 4, 2013 at 10:08 am

    My grandpa had a bird poop on his head at Cedar Point when I was a kid – he was bald, but it was still horrible. And I really think the whole “it’s good luck!” thing is more about the fact that, hey, a bird just shit on you – could it get worse?

    I was not at all surprised to learn that the House GOP didn’t learn anything from the election. I was somehow even less surprised to see that it was Michelle Bachmann who introduced that damn bill. Minnesota – you should be ashamed of your damn Mud Duck selves!

    Also, I hate you. Alanis is now singing inside my head and won’t stop.

    • kim
      January 8, 2013 at 10:49 am

      I like your explanation about the whole good luck/bird shit thing and I’ve been using it in discussion.

      Sorry about the Alanis. Truly am.

  2. Ari
    January 4, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    I don’t understand the bird shit = good luck thing either.

    I feel compelled to point out that Antoine is from Huntsville and the infamous “Lincoln Park” rapist is still at large here (yes, we are still hiding our family members here).

    I too, now have Alanis stuck in my head. Thanks.

    • kim
      January 8, 2013 at 10:50 am

      Here’s something weird: The Mister didn’t even see the Antoine Dodson video until recently when I showed it to him. I don’t even know how that’s possible.

Don't just sit there...say something.

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