Open Letters Friday, Volume 116

by kim on March 15, 2013 · 0 comments

in Open Letters Friday

Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?

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Dear PCL Readers, Fans and Adversaries (if there are any):

I just realized the other day that this July will mark five years of PCL.  FIVE.  The things I have done in five years in this space have been so much fun. We need a good way to honor the fifth anniversary.  Any ideas?

On a side note…I’ve never had a job for five years before.  So this is pretty big.  I hope you feel the commitment and love.

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Sincerely,

The Perfectly Cursed One (aka “Kim”)

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Dear Boss:

I know we don’t always get along like gangbusters (whatever that phrase means).  But today I’m going to come to you and ask you for a more flexible work situation and I really hope you consider it and let me do it.

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I think it’ll be beneficial to us all and I just hope you hear me out and can see that…and go easy on me.  I don’t like confrontation like this so bear with me if I seem awkward at first.

Yours in employment,

New Mom Who Needs Flexibility

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Dear Michelle Duggar:

There was a time when I used to think you weren’t that weird or bad of a person.  I even talked about it here during PCL’s almost five year existence.  But, honestly, at this point…I think you need serious therapy.

Your son and daughter in law just announced that they’re expecting another child. Instead of just being happy with the NINETEEN children you have and three grandchildren, you’ve decided that you’re going to keep on trying to breed with Jim Bob.

 

sheep that stops chewing

Now, I have nothing against women in their forties (you’re 46) trying to have biological kids.  I also have nothing against people wanting more than one or two children.  But you have NINETEEN children.  Your last child was born with severe problems and difficulties likely caused by your age.  I’ll refrain from making the obvious joke about your uterus being a sweat shop, but at some point you have to see your religious “God only knows when i’m done breeding” attitude as what it is…some weird compulsion to horde children.

I’m all for women making their own choices, so I’m not going to say that someone should stop you.  I just think you should really consider the alternatives and maybe think about therapy.  And this comes from someone in therapy.

Yours truly,

A Concerned Woman

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Dear New Pope:

I’ll admit that as a lapsed Catholic (I think that’s what you are calling people like me these days) I probably don’t have much pull with you.  But as someone who went to a Jesuit law school and really admires the hell out of Jesuits, I hope to bend your ear for a moment.

See, when I heard a Jesuit from South America was going to be the pope, I was pretty elated.  Jesuits have a history of getting their hands dirty helping the poor and working for social justice in a way that no other Catholic order can claim (at least not one involving men).  But then as I read more about you, I read about your strict views on abortion (not surprising, but not uplifting either) and your misguided (at best) and horribly unChristian (more like it) views about gays, gay marriage and gay rights.

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I’m not asking you to do a complete 180 on these issues.  I know asking that would be futile.  Here’s what I’m proposing, though: how about just staying out of those issues and working on the church’s infrastructure and corporate governance and it’s need to cut the games and help the poor.  Let’s just start there and then maybe you’ll gain some respect from this jaded lapsed Catholic.

Maybe.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Can Dream of What an Awesome Pope Would Do

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FAN LETTER TIME!!!!  This is from PCL reader, Lisa.

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Dear Taylor Swift,

REALLY?!?!  You’re trying to throw down with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler?  They have more wit, snark, and just all around more humor than you doin your pinky toe.  Are you gonna write a song about them next?  I betit’ll be really catchy!  But, oh wait a minute if you do that, you’ll be just like them.  That would just make you a hypocrite.  And trust
hunty, the Interwebs will call you out for that shiz.  If I were to ever say this to your face, you’d probably tell me that I’m going to hell too.  And ya know what, that’s just fine!  My lava front condo is already reserved.  *snap*  So yeah, keep trying to be a big tough girl.

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One more thing, you “dated” John Mayer?  Gurl, you don’t date John Mayer.  You f*ck him.  I bet it was fun, but I hope you went to the clinic afterwards.  Goodness knows what he’s got going on (if ya know what I’m sayin).

Not A Fan,
Lisa

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Now it’s your turn!  Get things off your chest. And you can check out other Open Letters Fridays here.

And if you are interested in having your Open Letter featured on the next Open Letters Friday here at PCL, e-mail me atkim@perfectlycursedlife.com.

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