Open Letters Friday is a segment here at PCL for your reading and writing enjoyment. I’ll share with you some of my open letters for the week and you’ll get the opportunity in comments to share yours. Now, tell me, who do you need to write to this week?
It’s been a damn while. I know.
You must think you’re really freaking clever. I don’t blame you. This takes heavy thought and planning. I bet there are several focus groups, dedicated research teams and millions in subliminal marketing campaigns that have come down to this very moment.
I am sitting in my home, babies asleep, eating your damn Gerber Graduate Wagon Wheels.
You may ask why I am stealing food from my children. Two reasons. First, they’re delectable. I don’t know what you put in these (actually I do, there’s a label) but they are obviously created by garden gnomes listening to early Elvis tunes while wearing glittery frocks because they are tasty as a sock hop. Second, the kids don’t know how to eat them properly. Given that they’re bigger than their fist and they have no usable teeth yet, at least half of them fall on the floor. (Unlike your puffs which make it into their mouths at about an 80% success rate, these wagon wheels are tough.) And then, since the one yesterday was slightly soggy from drool, it got glued to the floor so badly that I had to chisel it off with a butter knife.
So let’s just save ourselves the butter knife prying and I’ll finish this can off and we’ll try again another month.
A Thief of a Mother
One day when you are older and I need your help with some embarrassing bodily function and you feel awkward about it (as will I), I will tell you of the time this morning when you sneezed and the most absurdly large snot ball came out of your nose and how you then stuck your hand in it to avoid me wiping it off and then rubbed it all over your face.
Hopefully that will help break the tension of role-reversal.
Your Loving Mother
Dear Sarah Palin:
Why are you still around? Are you honestly planning on running for office ever again? Or do you just want to haunt the cable news channels until you die?
I swear, I have seen no fewer than seven news articles mentioning you and your idiocy this week. Someone said you have a new book out. I laughed because I can’t imagine that you had anything worthy to print. Turns out you are talking about how there’s a war on Christmas. So either you’re some sort of bad plot for a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, or you are truly insane.
No one is waging war on Christmas. But I guaran-damn-tee you this: Jesus doesn’t want you celebrating his birthday.
Jesus called and asked that we uninvite you on the Evite. He saw that you checked “yes” a bit too quickly and zealously and he takes back that whole loving everyone thing. He still loves you, but he no longer can stand you. So just don’t show up. I know it’s potluck and you were bringing cups (asshole) but we can go to Costco and buy cups ourselves. Just stay home.
War on Christmas? The only thing we’ve declared war on in this country is common sense and viable comedies filmed before a live studio audience.
A Godless Heathen Liberal
P.S. Did you have plastic surgery or are my glasses finally the exact right prescription? Something is off.
Dear The Mister:
I know you got a new job that requires you to wear fancier things than pajama pants and t-shirts, but this newfound wardrobe is far snazzier than I was expecting from you.
Your Confused Wife
If you complain about not getting copies of my PowerPoint slides ahead of time one more time I am going to be forced to go rogue (see Sarah Palin’s first book of the same) and just speak contemporaneously and use the goddamn chalkboard in a giant lecture hall.
I hate chalk boards. I hate the idea of going rogue. I also hate whining.
I also hate having to be the person that gives a Back in My Day (TM) speech about personal responsibility, but I will. Take notes. Read the book. Don’t use your computer dying as an excuse for not doing your work in a day in age when there are computer labs everywhere. Stop relying on me to do a review or study guide to pass a basic exam.
And for the love of all things holy, if I say you can’t do a topic as broad as “gun control” for your paper, don’t send me an email saying “I’d like to talk about gun control.”
Your Once Sane Professor
Just show Big Bang Theory reruns. There is no need for “original” “programming” or anything else. I need more Sheldon Cooper in my life. He gives the amount of fucks (zero) that I’d like to give about people’s nonsense.
And I don’t think he’d be bothered by my Gerber Wagon Wheel addiction.
A Big Banger (That’s What She Said)