Just Do What You Gotta Do

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful. – Buddha

How do you not see this?

I read this Buddhist Thought of The Day on my Blackberry every morning.  For awhile when the RSS feed wasn’t working properly, my life was missing a precious bit of knowledge every day.  Some day the quotes aren’t so memorable, but some days, like today, the damn thing hits the nail on the proverbial head.  I don’t know if that’s comforting or creepy.  I’m not Buddhist, but I think that many Buddhist ideas and ideals are pretty right on point, so I try to soak up the wisdom when I can.

My parents don’t often get my cues that I don’t want to talk about something.  I feel like we should go through some Kim Refresher Course because when they ask me how work is going and I respond “Eh,” or “Alright, I guess,” or “Blah,” that means I don’t want to talk about it.  Nevertheless, they press on, requiring me to explain to them, as best I can, the things that have led to that assessment.  Last Thursday Mom pulled it.  Then last night it was Dad’s turn.  Both conversations went the same way: one of my comments indicating an unwillingness to talk about it, followed by their insistence that we talk about it, leading to their shock that I am not happy, cuing me to divulge more details, followed by an expression (or twelve) of disbelief and the words “hang in there.”  To top it off, Dad even added the fatherly “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

I’m not totally unappreciative of the sentiment.  “You gotta do what you gotta do,” is kind of the story of my life.   If I hadn’t done what I had to do, I wouldn’t be here.  And believe me, there have been plenty of times I’ve done what I’ve had to, even though it killed me inside.  My accumulation of student loan debt is just one of the many pieces of evidence to support that case.  I’ve had one thing handed to me my entire life free and clear–a 2003 Dodge Neon–and I’d trade it in to be able to talk to the person who gave it to me in a reasonable manner.  Everything else I’ve robbed Peter to pay Paul for along the way.  Perhaps it was because my father urged me to do what I had to do, but perhaps I just did it because I had to do it.

The thing about doing what you have to is that sometimes you begin to resent what you have to do to get by.  And you resent the people that don’t have to do anything to get the same or better results.   Pretty soon you’re resenting simple things like bowls of ceral and squirrels that run in front of your car every morning.

Last night I came home and noticed a large disturbance in the backyard.  A very sizable chunk of the tree that hovers over our garage fell like an iceberg (5% in our yard and 95% into the neighbor’s yard) due to the previous night’s storm.  Although, The Mister worked from home all day, he did not notice this rather obvious problem.  When I got home, though I wanted nothing to do with anything that I “had to do,” I had to call various tree places and I had to go talk to the neighbor.  And then when I did go talk to the neighbor, she not only seemed to not care, she didn’t even notice the giant tree limb in her own backyard.  All of this having to do on my part was followed up by a lot of oblivious fuckery on everyone else’s part.

And then this morning I get that as my Buddhist Thought of the Day.  It’s as if I had written this, not Buddha.  Every night I play this game with myself when I inevitably don’t accomplish what I want to accomplish throughout the day, where I think “if I didn’t do what I wanted to do today, at least I did something, and if I didn’t do anything at least I didn’t get sick, but since I’m always sick in at least one way I guess I can take comfort in the fact that at least I didn’t die.“  And then, in the least suicidal and most self-deprecating way possible I think “well, at least that would have been something.”

In other words, I have my daily Come to Jesus (or Buddha) meeting with myself about the fact that I’m just doing what I gotta do to get by.

So maybe now you understand why when my parents (and anyone else for that matter) give me the “do what you gotta do” speech, I take it with a bit of insult.  It’s not that they aren’t wise words, it’s that I’m doing that as it is.  It’s like telling the Mona Lisa to keep smiling or Angelina Jolie to keep collecting kids from around the world to round out her collection–it’s just unnecessary.

The stark difference between knowing this and living this is a divide I’ve crossed long ago.  Yet it’s still one that haunts me every day of my life.  Some people wisely think that the things we “have to” do might not be so necessary.  I can agree to a certain point.  There are things that I have to do.  My life has been one big series of things I’ve had to do.  In the end I’ll look back on it with pride thinking that I did what I had to do to get by.  Right now, though, I just don’t want that to be the stock advice I’m given at this particular juncture.  At least commiserate with me a bit and then move on to what I could do instead of what I have to do.  I’ve already got that down pat.

I’ve been doing what I’ve gotta do since the first breath of my life.  I’d like to, for just a bit, not have to do anything.   The odds of that happening though are about as slim as someone not noticing that giant tree limb in their yard.  Since that has happened, maybe there’s hope for me after all.